guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
