I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
