I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
