i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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