what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
