I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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