The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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