I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
