I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
