I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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