How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize