When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
