why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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