did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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