fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
