Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
