I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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