what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
