You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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