I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
