Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
