I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
