Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
organizing the empties. That sober.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
