This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Randomize
