I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
porn star boner night. come get it.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
