U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
