I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
