i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
