you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Oh god it's open bar.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
