Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
