A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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