u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Michael Bay diarrhea
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
