and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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