I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
