My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
