jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
