I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
