weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My ass is underappreciated
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
