I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
