Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
