i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I got inside last night via doggy door
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
