your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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