I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
