I'm gonna have a badass scar
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wish they made helmets for livers.
no you cant smoke seaweed
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
