Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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