I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
