I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
