I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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