I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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