i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
