How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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