Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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