I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
