I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
