I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
