So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
