I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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