My liver just broke up with me...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
