I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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